Dear May.
I haven't written here in ages because all my life has been taken from me. I do have a lot of time on my hands but most of it is taken by crazy thoughts. Don't worry, I won't go crazy (yet) but my life hasn't been on it's best behaviour lately.
Life at home is fine. It feels like a prison most of the time but I learn to somehow deal with it until I go to sleep. Once I sleep all my problems go away and I wake up with a brand new day ahead of me. I feel like I'm closed in these four purple and green walls, watching Orange Is The New Black and feeling like a prisoner myself. Limerick became very boring to me. I have nowhere to go, no one to go there with and no memories to remember later. All I remember is what I had for dinner and how many chocolates I have eaten that day (FYI- way too many).
I feel like I have lost the connection I once had with my friends. As stupid as that sounds I just stopped writing to anyone in case I annoy them. They now have their friend groups, their interests, their school, their jobs so where do I go into the mix? Nowhere. I became the girl that you say "hello" to when you pass her on the street and nothing else. And to be honest it feels pretty shit. What bothers me the most is when I tell people that I have nobody they look at me like I'm lying, or use the phrase "you have me sure". Do I though? When was the last time we talked? Hung out together? Like a year ago? Well then I don't "have" you at all. Maybe if I say I have nobody it's a cry for help? A silent "please help me I'm alone". But I just must be overreacting. You know better, right?
A while ago I went to Cork for a spontaneous trip. I saw two people I hung out with while I lived there and I never was happier. They didn't know me as "Joanna the weird, lonely girl" but as me who just came back to Cork for a day waiting to have fun. And I haven't felt so happy in a long while. I remembered how much I missed Cork. These busy streets, those street performers and that tescos where I used to buy groceries in. After the day had passed I waited for my bus and said "I'm quitting my job. I'm not coming back to Limerick today". But obviously life is not a fairy-tale right?
My job. A series of up's and down's. It's my third job but I must admit it I like it. Even though sometimes there is chaos as people often like to throw things on the floor or put stuff in the wrong places, I still kind of like it. I was on the floor, doing my thing, serving customers, laughing with my co-workers and just being happy in general. However unfortunately I have been moved to another section of the store. Don't get me wrong, I love the girls that work with me, I don't find it hard but I did feel more confident in my work when I was on the floor. In my current section I feel clumsy, slow and pressured by myself.. and I sometimes can't handle it. Should I tell someone that I don't feel good in that section? That I would be much more effective on the floor? Yes, I should. Will I? Probably not. I could never fight for myself because I was worried what other people will think. I still am. That's why I won't fight for myself now again.
That's all I have for today I think. Sorry for all this wave of emotions but I had to get it out somewhere.
See you lovelies xx
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