Different loneliness.

I feel kinda weird right now. It's probably only there for one evening until it happens again another evening. Not soon though.

I genuinely feel alone. I don't feel like oh fureva alone xoxo but alone with my feelings. Don't get me wrong, I have friends who I can talk to and I have my parents that I can talk to but this is a thing that is within you. You can only talk with yourself about it you know?

I have no idea how to explain what im feeling right now. It's like something changed about my usual lonely stage. I feel like my feelings have matured a bit in some situations. In some situations im a complete looser and I mess up when I shouldn't because it's common sense.. It's the usual as well when you see all these lovely couples around you and you just know they are perfect for each other and just not to bullshit..im jealous. Obviously. Who wouldn't be. Even though I sometimes mess up in relationships and I act really childish I just want to be loved like anyone else. I might sound stupid so if you have enough of it just stop reading.

When I went back from town today I was jolly but then I went to my room and once I came into my room it's like this whole other person replaced the happy me from like 5 minutes ago. I started being sad, feeling ugly, comparing myself to other people, being very lonely and noticing how lonely I actually am.

Example. I have amazing friends and I love them to bits but.. I don't always feel like the one that belongs to the group. A lot of times I feel like im the one who just tags along because she doesn't have anywhere to go and I don't find people actually wanting to have a conversation with me about something. I know I know you have your life, maybe you don't bond with me like you do with other people. I get it. It just makes me feel sad. A lot sometimes.

I have never really been a popular kid I only had one best friend throughout my school years and I never really belonged anywhere. Throughout my secondary school years I have been bullied a bit which actually made me really depressed because I wanted to belong. To even get the tiniest attention. I never really did. Well I did when they laughed at something I have said or done. Then I got the attention. Not the attention I wanted though.

When I moved on to college I had friends but I still didn't belong. I don't think I belong to any group to that day. And if people will say that I am..well they don't know how I feel or what's it really like.

What usually happens is that I sit alone and somebody comes up asking if im okay. Firstly if im sitting alone doesn't mean im not okay. If I say im not they will ask what happened and leave. If I say I am okay they will just leave. I take the easier option and say I am even though I might feel completely lonely at that moment. Why would I bother anyone anyway?

Maybe it is my fault. I am not leaving the fact that it might be true.maybe I don't put in the effort or I should come up to people and not expect a person to come up to me and have a full conversation with me.
The thing is I get really attached to things and people. And to things they do. If I'm new im a group they talk to me more obviously, to make feel welcome. But after I settle they don't talk to me as much and I get sad. Because I got attached to the way they acted.

I don't know. And I feel sad. Probably because im lonely and I probably always will be.

Peace.