I was just reading some blog posts and I got into a writing mood. So far I haven't really decided about what to write here as there's nothing that exciting happening in my life at the moment. I'm listening to "Boris" by BOY as that's the only song that calms me down at the moment. I'm feeling a bit down at the moment but I don't really feel like talking about that.
As always, I have spent the whole day procrastinating from any college work whatsoever. I did go to the gym though which was some kind of productive work I guess. However as I have been procrastinating for a few days now I have been thinking about all the pressure that people get from work, college, social groups and their own selves. That got me thinking about my recent events and also my further past when it comes to the topic of pressure.
I think I have always been pressured throughout my life. I never really reached a point when I have achieved something I have been pressured into and then it stopped. For example when I lived in Poland and I went to primary school there I have been pressured by my parents to be my best self in school as Poland has quite a high level of education and is really strict about grades and such. I have never really been the best person when it came to studying. I absolutely hate it until this day. I know I shouldn't say that as I'm in university now and that shouldn't be my attitude, but I can't help it. I have always heard how my friends were prodigies at studying and they got all the good grades and I always got the bad ones. "Oh why can't you be like (insert name here). She's so good and if she can study why can't you?". Comments like that haven't really affected me until I was about 9 I think. I then found it as a form of bullying and every time that comment was made I genuinely felt bad and worthless. I tried to study and tried to do my best but it still wasn't enough as I am not the best person at studying. That carried on to secondary school.
This was the time when you really start caring about how you look and about your peer group. I started off pretty smooth as I had one of my best friends with me in school and I always needed only one friend (and only had one friend in schools) and that would make me alright. However my best friend moved to another city around 3 months after first year started. That made my situation a lot worse. I couldn't really find myself as I felt like everyone was judging me and didn't like me. When I finally started to get used to strangers, everyone has gotten into a "clique" and as I thought, I was not welcome. I don't remember my first year that well but I think I had some friends but we weren't as close.
I think the part of my life that was pressured the most was second and third year. In second year I have found another best friend. She was Polish. I also found myself hanging out with the polish group that has formed at that time. It was one of the best and worst times I had in my life so far. This best friend and I were getting along so well and again, I only needed one friend to get me though school. We hung out a lot and everything was good. However the polish group I was hanging out with then started to hate my best friend and had her as their enemy. As the polish group got to know me more and they knew I was friends with their "enemy" I got bullied. I didn't get physically bullied but only on an emotional level. I don't know if the people involved would call it bullying but but it felt like it was. I was quite childish at the time (understandable, I was 14) but all the girls in that group have seen themselves as so mature and whatnot. They were giving me smart comments and laughing about what I said or did. Eventually my best friend and I weren't hanging out anymore.That really got to me and I was feeling quite depressed for that whole year. The pressure I got from this situation was really bad. I started trying to change my look, started trying to change my personality just to fit in the group I was apparently a part of. Right now I look back at it and I would have taken a completely different outlook on a situation like this now.
I survived through secondary school and actually got some pretty good friends. But of course, then pressure had to come along and ruin it. When I finished my Leaving Certificate and I got my results I wasn't happy. I take full responsibility for this as I know I haven't studied enough and it's completely my fault. My parents weren't happy with them either. As I was now nearly 18 and had to make decisions about my college life and life in general I started to get super panicky. I think this is the time of my life I started to have a lot of anxiety and started to get a lot panicky. I didn't know what to do with my education as no college wanted me after my exams and I didn't know what I wanted to do with life either. I got pressure from my parents as they wanted the best for me but what they didn't know and what they probably don't know to this day really affected me badly. All I wanted to hear from them was "We'll figure something out. Don't worry about it. You're still young and it's understandable you have no idea what to do" but what I really heard was "You got shit exam results. What the hell are you gonna do now? You should have studied more. Now you need a job blah blah blah". Don't get me wrong, my parents are the most supportive people ever and I love them so much but at that time they didn't really do a good job. I was crying around 3 times a week because I just couldn't handle all the pressure from it.
I also quite pressured myself in social life as well. My best friend, still to this day, has introduced me to a group of friends in her university. I absolutely fell in love with that group as they made me cry from laughter every time I was with them. However as they weren't "my friends" as I didn't hang out with them a lot I kind of had this feeling of secondary school coming back to me. They were all so cool and knew each other so well and I was this newbie who couldn't really find out who she was at that time. If they made a joke and I didn't understand it I felt really bad as I knew I didn't belong in their group and I usually felt pretty bad when I was around university with my best friend. I eventually started thinking they don't like me as I still was quite childish at the time and as I said, secondary school feeling came back. I also liked a boy in than group but he didn't like me back and then I convinced myself even more that I must be this stupid childish girl who nobody likes and I felt pretty awful when I hung out with that group.I have started pressuring myself to be as cool as them and I never was and I got really panicky when I hung out with them. I never showed it but it's just how I felt. I have never told anyone that but my best friend. Now I feel like I'm pretty close with the group and the feeling of them not liking me anymore has gone. I feel really comfortable around them and they still make me cry from laughter to this day. I don't think I could ask for better friends.
I was also quite stupid in relationships. In them there was a lot of pressure going on. To get things straight, they didn't pressure me into anything, I did it myself. When something I thought went wrong in my relationship I got really panicky and I would freak out and pressure myself into thinking that it was definitely me who did something wrong and now the relationship is that way. I have cried a lot in my relationships just because of my own stupidity.
Right now I'm quite pressured from life as well. I'm supposed to be this mature, responsible person now as I have my own apartment and I go to university and I should know how my life is going to be laid out for the next few years. I don't even know what I'm going to do tomorrow so how am I supposed to figure out what I'm supposed to do in the next 5 years? However now I have grown to quite accept the things around me and I have a more laid back attitude about a lot of things in life. I try to go with the flow even though I always overthink everything. In a lot of situations in life I get panicky and anxious and I think that as I get older I get more scared and panicky which isn't really good. But here I am, trying to change and am happy about it.
Pressure is and probably always will be a part of my life and it's just something I have to accept and deal with by myself. If you ever feel pressured just talk to someone. I haven't done that until a few weeks ago actually and I felt way better after doing it. You have my word it works.
Sorry that this post was quite a persona one but I just had to get it out.
Just be yourself all the time as changing for someone is really not worth it :).
If you read this far thank you very much, I really appreciate it.
Until the next time you beauties! x
No comments:
Post a Comment